Dating While Breastfeeding: Stories of lactating singles

Today on the Milk Minute we wanted to give a nod to all of our breastfeeding friends who are dating and doing their best to find a balance as a single parent. This shit ain’t easy and no one is talking about it. Heather became a single parent when her first child was 10 months old and he had self-weaned. However, dating with an infant was extremely challenging. Add breastfeeding onto that and it’s a whole new level. We wanted to read some stories of brave listeners who dated and lactated at the same time and give you a glimpse into that world. Enjoy!

This concludes our season of Milk Minute Podcast. Don't worry, we'll be back in August! If there's something specific that you want us to work on or some episode that you want us to do, you can email us directly at MilkMinutePodcast@gmail.com

THANK YOU to our newest Patrons: Keely Turner, Taylor Bokey, Lucy Phillips, and Alison Nussear!

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Transcript

Hello, darkness, my old friend. Hi, and welcome to the Milk Minute Podcast. I'm just joshing. We just have been trying to podcast for hours and stuff keeps happening and my door keeps going ding dong and, you know, it's fine.

Don't worry about it. But we're here. We're excited to be back today. We have a really fun episode for you guys today and unfortunately it is our last episode of the season because we're doing seasons now, right everybody? Yeah and everyone's been really supportive of that and we could not thank you enough.

We actually already have our next recording dates lined up and we are stocking it full of great content and awesome interviews and it's nice to have a little bit of breathing room so we can be a little bit more intentional about our episodes instead of feeling like we're on a hamster wheel. So yes, we are Doing seasons, we're going to kind of follow the school schedule.

So we will be back in August and then we will run August to December. We'll take off for the holidays and then we'll come back January to April, February to May, something like that. We'll see you next year. No, I'm kidding. We'll see you in August. I will announce our, like, official dates on our social media so you guys know when to expect us.

But yeah, we're, we're excited for the change. Hopefully giving us some room to grow in new ways. Yes. So for our last episode of the season, let's thank a handful of patrons. I want to give a big thank you to Keely Turner, Taylor Bokey, Lucy Phillips, and Allison Nussear. Thank you guys so much for joining our Patreon.

Y'all the real MVPs, you're the reason we can still do this podcast. It's amazing. Yes, it absolutely is. And Friendly reminder, the reason we have to do seasons is because we also have other jobs. So if you want to work with us in a more medical fashion, we will be doing that every day. And also, we have children, so if you have kids on the playground, we might see you there too.

We're everywhere. We're everywhere. Absolutely, oh goodness. Well, today we wanted to share some stories from listeners. Because we are talking about breastfeeding as a single parent. Yeah, we've actually been asked to do this one a lot. And I wanted to do it because I want to normalize it for people. You know, like, just because you're breastfeeding doesn't mean you're dead.

You know, and if you're not in a committed relationship with somebody and you're still breastfeeding, you still deserve to have your happiness. And we want to give you some examples of people that have dated, maybe sometimes it's good, sometimes it's a little ugly, and I appreciate them sharing their stories with us for sure.

Absolutely. And as a gift, because it's our last episode, we're gonna skip the ads. Let's just get into it today. Well, where do we want to start? Okay, so this is a really, really good one. I think you're gonna like it. I don't, you haven't read these yet, have you? Not, not mine. No, and I didn't share the one that I got with you either, so.

Real time reaction. These are surprises for everyone. Okay. So this person preferred to stay anonymous and I get it. I totally get it. I'd rather have an anonymous person and a really good true story. So anonymous says. I became single around 13 weeks pregnant, started dating around the time my daughter was 6 months old.

I was surprised at how intrigued guys were about it in the most innocent way. They genuinely have zero knowledge about how it works, especially when it comes to pumping. I was embarrassed initially but got lots of questions and eventually became more comfortable talking about it with guys. There definitely are some weirdos who over sexualize breastfeeding and pumping, which is a special case.

Especially uncomfortable when it's not your spouse or long term partner making comments like never thought I'd be jealous of a baby or that should be me. Makes you cringe all over lol I also had a guy completely cancel a date on me because I had photos taken while nursing my daughter and he said that was immodest and he couldn't be with someone like that.

Dodged a bullet there haha I mean it's good when people tell on themselves, you know? Yeah. She said, the biggest struggle really is scheduling. Not only are you trying to date around both people's work schedules, but also baby schedule and babysitter schedule. Also your pump slash feed schedule. Will there be a place where I can pump?

Where can I store my milk? Will I have to wash parts? Better pack an extra shirt in case I leak. It goes on and on. And you have this big Just fear inside that it makes you undesirable, like as if being a mother isn't enough of a handful, you also don't want to seem like breastfeeding is your entire personality or what your life revolves around, to the person you're dating.

But then again, it kind of does temporarily. It also just adds to the general awkwardness, like imagine explaining to your new partner not to take off your bra during your first intercourse because you don't want to spray him with milk. I imagine that was much more uncomfortable than telling a husband would be.

Also, one memory. My car broke down and the guy I had been on a couple dates with came to my rescue. While he's working on my car, baby starts crying. I latched and fed her, got out of the car to hug slash Thank him and went on my way. When I got home, I saw that the opposite side breast had let down and leaked all the way down my light gray shirt and halfway down my thigh.

And I hadn't noticed I must've looked like a hot fricking mess, flustered, broken down, crying, baby covered in milk, all in front of a guy I'd maybe seen three times. I was so embarrassed. Gosh, but you got that car fixed though. Didn't you? I mean, I kind of was hoping that would end with a, and then he told me I was super beautiful and we're married.

But you know what, I'll take a fixed car. A fixed car is a happy ending. It really is though, and a fed baby. So thank you so much for sharing that. And truly, I think people in general feel that scheduling issue just with anything in life. So they can't even imagine trying to date and like. incorporate somebody else's schedule as well.

So you are a badass. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think that's definitely going to help normalize it for others. What do you have, Maureen? Okay, this is a really funny one. So this was sent to me from Kate and she started dating when her daughter was seven months old and she had said she was like using dating apps and not, you know, like putting it on her profile, but telling people in messages she was breastfeeding and, you know, didn't, didn't move on to a lot of first dates from there, but she finally did find someone.

Their first date was great. She says, our first day went great, but it was a short coffee date. So I pumped before and after I told him I was breastfeeding, but I don't really know if the information clicked. He didn't see me breastfeed. He didn't see me pump. It was just kind of incidental to, Oh, by the way, I have a baby, but it went great.

We really connected. So he suggested an escape room. For our second date. It was pirate themed, sounded like fun. I love those sort of like critical thinking games. So I was excited. However, day of was crazy with work and between getting that finished and sorting out the babysitter, I forgot to pump before the date.

So, here we are, walking into the escape room, and it just occurs to me, as we are getting locked in, that I didn't pump, and it had been, maybe, like, an hour and a half since I had pumped. Also, turns out this escape room was really hard, and had a time limit of 90 minutes, where they would leave you in there if we didn't solve it.

So, while I was frantically trying to find clues, feeling my breasts get bigger and bigger and fuller. He was messing around on the piano, thinking like that was part of the key, if he just like played the right tune. And it was an absolute disaster. I turned around because I thought I found a clue. I was soaked in milk.

And I think that moment, the fear in his eyes. was when it clicked for him that pumping and breastfeeding was like, it was a thing happening to my body now with him. Thankfully, that was not the most awkward part of the escape room. And we didn't solve it. They let us out at 90 minutes. I went and pumped and we did eventually have a third date, but it took a little while between that one and the next.

Oh my gosh, what, what a nightmare. Side note, one time a guy took me on a date, I was not breastfeeding, thank God, actually, because, you'll see, but he was like. He was like, it's going to be a surprise. And I said, Oh, really? Okay, gosh, like what should I wear? And he said, wear something cute and sexy. And I was like, Oh, okay.

Like, where are we going? So I wore a denim skirt and a white, like frilly top. Tank top and slides, you know, like some really cute little slides. So he gets me in the car and we're driving and driving and driving and I'm like, wow, we're driving. I'm pretty far away. Like, where are we going? And he fricking pulls up to Laurel caverns and he's like, we're going caving.

And I was like, what the fuck? Gene sexy slides for kids, what? What? I said, buddy, it's 40 degrees down there all year long, and he's like, yeah, and I was like, look at what I'm wearing! What are you doing to me? And I had no tread at all on my slides. Yeah, and those are steep. Those caves are really steep.

Very much so. I was so dirty. I slipped the entire way and he thought it was hilarious. So he's laughing at me and he's like trying to hold my hand like, I'll support you through the whole thing. I was like, I don't want to need you right now. I'm mad at you. And then of course, all the old people in the tour are looking at me like, what a moron.

Like this person doesn't know how to dress for TV. Just like, if I had full boobs on top of that, I probably would have absolutely lost my mind. I'd be like, we're not going on this tour, this three hour tour. Anyway, dating, it's always a fun adventure. Okay, so this is another anonymous one, which I greatly love.

She says, Hey there, here are a couple of my encounters with dating while nursing. This is guy number one. We actually got engaged and I broke it off after I found some interesting information that involved him and animals sexually. Oh! That he told me on his own. Oh! Yes. She says, yes, leave that part out if you need to, but this is my reason for ending it.

No, I'm here for it. You're not leaving it out. I'm here for it. She says, we started dating and he knew I nursed my two year old. He didn't mind that I nursed my son to sleep and co slept. Most nights we slept separately because he also Still co slept with his son. He had custody. He mentioned a few times how he would like to taste it, which I'm assuming she means her breast milk.

Yeah, which sounds fine to me. It's good for you after all And also whatever I don't want to yuck on your yum like some people love that I mean if you're tasting everything else No, it doesn't matter. She says, For me, it was separate from anything that had to do with baby in my mind because it was my partner and frankly we put some of the body fluids in our mouths so why not let him taste it?

Just what you said. Here's the thing though. It was the way he tried it that kind of icked me out. He nursed almost like he was a baby, not in a sexual way, but like a nursing way. And for me, that was gross. Oh god, I'm sure the eye contact at that moment was just I'm dead. You're absolutely dead. This is so good.

Okay, hold on. I'm gonna pull it back together. I can't even see through the tears, okay. I did make a few videos for him of me just expressing the milk. Which, okay, I can see why some men would like it. Anywho, we were not together for too long. Eight months, I think. I broke it off after he confessed about the animal thing.

That was too much for me. Keep in mind, this was a conservative Christian man in his early thirties, and very financially successful. Oh, that surprises me none! That is the least surprising thing of this entire email. I, first of all, before anybody out there judges, okay, listening to this, when you are single as a, as a mom and you're dating, like the first emailer said, you always feel like you're at a handicap while dating, you know, like there's other more desirable people out there.

And so when you're looking, which is not true, but that's what we tell ourselves in our heads. So when you have like this financially successful single guy who's like, Andy's a Christian. And then it's never like the first date where they're like, Hey, I like to butt fuck cows. And I would like to nurse off of you.

That's that never happens on the first date. Yeah. It's more like a slow burn, where it just like slowly ekes out over time, and then before you know it, you've made all these compensations because you're, like, You're just trying to be dated. You're like, just trying to get back out there and where and also there's the question of like, maybe things have changed since I was dating last.

A lot of us are dating and haven't dated in like five or ten years because we've been in a relationship. And so you're like, maybe this is just how they do it now. Like, there's a lot of things you tell yourself, but then there's always that last question. So I totally get it. You know, if a guy that I really liked who was really nice to me was like, Hey, make me a couple of videos of you expressing milk.

I'd be like, well, at least he thinks I'm sexy. Like, okay, whatever. Maybe I like it. Who knows? I've never tried it. I mean, I I'm honestly like very nonjudgmental when it comes to kinks and different preferences, as long as everybody's consenting. Y'all do you, you know? And also like, I don't know, try new stuff.

Who knows, you might like it. I know, the only reason I couldn't stop laughing earlier is because I was imagining his face as a baby's face. Well, yes, and I'm like, you know, like I can see many scenarios that particular, like that would be sexy and many would not for me. And especially if you're also like, Okay.

Not just like, oh, still lactating and pumping sometimes, but if you like, have a lot of. where you're actively breastfeeding your baby. And it's just like, so reminiscent of that moment. And you're like, Oh, this is not, those don't exist in the same sexual, non, like arousal brain space. Yeah, I think we can separate it.

But when it becomes clear that the other. party involved is not separating it. It's like, wait a minute, what game am I playing right now? Oh, snap. Oh, gosh. Okay. I need like, I'm sweating. All right. So now we're up to guy number two, same writer. She says, this was only a fling. There was one time when I said, here, look, and it squirted out a bit further than expected.

And he jumped back and gasped and gave me a look of fear. It was pretty funny. This was a 45 year old man. No kids. Anyways, that was a quick fling, but he never cared that I nursed and co slept. He was also a friend, so not a total stranger to me or my son during the fling. That's hilarious. I mean, use what you got.

And then She says guy number three He knew I nursed my toddler to bed only and apparently didn't approve because he would see me laying down with him for nap and Sometimes check to see if I was nursing and shake his head and disapproval Should have been the first red flag, but we do tend to ignore things when he gave me the look I said do you have a problem with this?

Apparently he did because he ended up cheating on me Oh, I'm sorry. I was in the dating scene for a while and this is just bringing me right back there. Yeah. She says, I dated other men casually that never met my son. They didn't care one way or the other, but I'm sure I told them. Let me know if you'd like anything more.

Anonymously, you could share these or just say Chrissy mid-thirties. Okay. Yeah. So I, I have one more. Are you ready for it? I'm so ready. Okay. I'm excited. These are great. Okay, so this person writes in and says, I accidentally got pregnant before getting married and I'd only been with the person for a couple of months.

And that was a mistake as it turns out, but that's not what we're talking about right now. I feel that girl. I feel that. While I was pregnant, I actually ended up being in school in college with a guy that I ended up falling for. And it was weird being pregnant and married to someone else who you absolutely know that you are not going to be with for the rest of your life, but you're also about to give birth.

So you should probably stay together and see how it goes. Meanwhile, this guy is like the sweetest, best, everything you could ever imagine. And. Then I ignored my feelings and we knew it was kind of awkward and I, you know, nothing ever happened, but I always kind of wondered I ended up having the baby.

Inevitably, we got divorced and then I found out that this guy was now taken. So I had waited too long, and I regretted never trying to be with him. So now I'm breastfeeding, and I actually ended up going out for a reunion, a college reunion, and we were both there, and we were both drinking, and I was breastfeeding at the time, don't judge, whatever.

And we ended up drunk kissing, even though he was with somebody else, and he said, I would have dated you when you were pregnant. I just want you to know that. And I said, why didn't you make a move? I'm divorced now. Like we could have just, we could have handled this. And you know, anyway, we laughed it off and I ended up in the dating scene.

So that was my side note is follow your heart the first time, even if you're pregnant. And then, so the, the second bit of the story is that she was dating on, you know, one of the apps. And she said that she had been talking to this guy for a while, and he drove, like, 45 minutes to come finally take her on a date.

And he, she had to arrange the sitter, of course, and she had to make sure the milk was in the fridge, and make sure, you know, the schedule stuff, like everybody else has said. And Her son was about a year old at this point and so the guy pulls up to the house and he comes walks up the stairs And the son who's one is obviously like clingy That's a clingy stage and has to say goodbye to mom one more time, even though she does not You know let the guys meet the kids and so They go out on the porch because the son wants to say one last goodbye and the dude runs over and kisses the boy, her son, kisses her son on the cheek.

And so she's immediately like, and then they get in the car and she starts to find out that he has a kid as well, who's a baby. And like the mom is like, somewhere up north and it's like all messy and he's got this whole long story about how, whatever, drama. I, I won't even get into that because it's actually pretty specific and I think maybe someone will hear this and be like, okay, that's why I'm paraphrasing.

So anyway, they go, they go to dinner and he gets even weirder and he tells her that he like has a gun on him and that he's always packing and that he's not afraid to use it. And so she was really grateful that she had to go home and pump because it was a great excuse to leave the dates. It's like the, you know, when you text your friend, like, call me with an emergency.

But it's your boobs, and they're just always ready to do that for you. Exactly. So she was like, I'm so sorry, I'm having a great time, but I really would love to go home and pump now. And of course he wanted to come in and he wanted to stay because he drove from an hour and he gave her a lip about it, was like, are you serious?

And she said yeah, my son is home, as you could see, good night. And so it's like the ultimate excuse. Yes. So, anyway, thank you for sharing that. I totally agree. It's weird when you're pregnant and single. Like, we should even do like a pregnant and single one. Yeah. Because you don't want, there's like a, it's scary when you're pregnant.

You're like, do they like me for me or are they a total creep? Yeah. Is this the fetish thing? Is this like a thing about childhood? Is it true love or a fetish? Is there anything in between those two things? I don't think there is. Well, on that note, I had one more story. This was not sent in, but it was on Reddit.

And I, I was like, Oh, I remember reading this. Let me go find it. And maybe we can end with that. So there have been a thread of like, How do you breastfeed while dating? You know, I'm so worried. And this was one of the comments and I loved it. It said, this person says, So I have to tell you guys, Love this.

When my ex-husband and I divorced, my youngest at the time was 18 months and still nursing like a champ. My ex and I got together when I was 16 and divorced when I was 27. So needless to say, after 11 years with the same and only person I was in no way ready to settle down. Shortly after our separation, I met this guy.

Who I was told would be, like, super perfect for me. Well, when me and Mr. Guy were about to get it on, I started squirting everywhere. He knew I had kids, and he also had two about the same age. But I guess I forgot to tell him I was still breastfeeding. It took him off guard, but he liked it. And fast forward eight years, me and Mr.

Guy are still together and married and still have the best sex ever. Oh my goodness. No worries about your leaky boobs. Wow. That's awesome. Actually. That's what a romance. I thought it was like a positive note to end on. That's really good. Now, I think that as funny as some of these are, it's also like, does not feel funny at the time.

It's scary. No, at the time, you're just like, oh my god, my body betrayed me. Ah! Yeah, it's like nerve wracking and putting yourself out there in general feels nerve wracking. And then plus there's like all the societal pressure of like, what type of mother you're supposed to be. Like, if you're lactating, we're supposed to be home also cooking and cleaning and like, I don't know.

Just brushing our hair. I don't know what you're supposed to be doing, but that's not what's happening. It's lonely when you're a single parent. It's incredibly lonely. It's a, it's an absolute grind. And then you have people around you trying to set you up and you're like, okay, that that's great in theory, but in practicality, like my life is kind of shitty right now.

Like are they okay with that? So you know, like we want to encourage everybody out there who's in this situation to take time. If that's what you need. There's no, like, rush to get dating again. Guys have not gotten better in the last couple years, I can tell you that. But also, if you're ready, like, go for it.

You know, be upfront, tell people what's going on. If men are not going to be okay with it, let them tell on themselves and move on. Yeah, and also, can I just say, don't be polite. You don't have time to be polite. And I think being a single mom and dating for me actually really helped me become the person I am today because you just don't have time for the bullshit.

And so like the minute somebody does something weird, like. Any of those stories of interesting things that guys did. You're just like, okay, I'm done. Like you don't need to delay it any longer because you have a beautiful, wonderful child. You're feeding that kid. You've you're tired. You've got stuff to do.

So like in a lot of ways, you're a lot more discerning. So trust your gut. If your gut says, get the hell out of there, get the hell out of there. And also. Definitely, I would say, don't let them meet your kid until later. I have done that. I mean, you know, y'all, y'all know what's best for you and your kid.

Trust yourself. Yeah. And there's, I will say, like, when I was dating, there were some guys that I introduced sooner than other guys and kids don't know, like, as long as you're not like being a weirdo in front of them, they're like, Oh, this is my friend, Bob or whatever. Never dated a Bob, but. But yeah, I don't know.

With my current husband, he is wonderful. Like so from the very beginning, I wasn't worried about introducing him early on. I wasn't breastfeeding anymore. But if I was, I know he would not have cared at all. And he would have been like, No, that's great. It's healthy, right? He would have said something like that.

Yeah, what do you need me to do? He would have washed the pump parts even then. And yeah. So, you know, trust your gut and you deserve it. So please don't hold back from dating if you're still lactating because of breastfeeding, you know? Yeah. And to wrap up the end of the season for our awards in the alcove, I actually just wanted to kind of give everybody an award.

All of you out there sitting in your car and pumping in the middle of the night, putting your earbuds in at work, wherever you are right now, I need y'all to stop for one second and listen to us. You're doing a fucking fantastic job. You are an amazing parent, you are an amazing partner, and we are so proud of you, and you deserve every award that we have given this whole season.

You do, and you deserve happiness, so go do whatever makes you happy, and if that's dating, Do it. If it's not dating, definitely don't do that. If it's curling up with a giant whoopee in a glass of wine and watching all of Outlander while you're breaking sleep. For sure do that. We are here for all of it.

And we will miss you over the summer, but we will be thinking about you. As I said, we're going to be planning our next big Milk Minute activity. And we're going to be back with some new hot takes in August. And if you want to hear more from us through the summer, of course, follow our social media or join our Patreon.

We will still be posting a lot of content there. We will be talking about future episodes and trying to get feedback there. So, if you're ready to join the Milk Minute family, we are ready to welcome you. Yes, it's Patreon. com slash MilkMinutePodcast. And Yeah, I'm still pumping. Like my baby's five months old now.

So I'm, I'm pumping. I'm, I'm deep in it and I'm going to hopefully be doing a lot more pump reviews so I can share those with you. Yeah, but if there's something specific that you want us to work on or some episode that you want us to, to do, you can email us directly at MilkMinutePodcast at gmail. com.

And thank you guys so much for listening to this and all of our other episodes of the Milk Minute podcast. The way we change this big system that is not set up for lactating parents is by educating ourselves, our loved ones, and sometimes our providers and our dates. Well, we hope all of you have a wonderful summer, and we really look forward to seeing you guys in the fall.

All right, love you guys. Bye.